My Love,

Today I do not feel like talking about something in particular that happened during my day or anything. I feel like I should choose some sort of other topic and begin to write. Just write whatever I want to about some idea. Well, turns out while I was deciding that I would do that, I ran into a video.

It was a video interview with Otto Frank, father of Anne Frank. And in it he said, “Most parents don’t know really their children.” Which got me to thinking about how people view other people. Because obviously parents don’t know their children. They are not aware of the full span of consciousness within their offspring. They get used to caring for a helpless little child who knows little to nothing that the fact that they can have a full and expanded experience is a bit hard to grasp for some. I think that is why people don’t want their children to leave them. It makes them have to admit that there is a full and capable human there that doesn’t need them.

It also made me think about how normal people think of normal people. Not parents versus child. But I would want to keep that thought for another day when I know more.

Always yours,
N 

My Love,

I’m not feeling all that well today. I feel kind of sick, even though I am not sick.

That explains the lateness of my letter, and also the lack of content for my post.

My brain just feels like it is full of fog and I have no urge to do anything whatsoever. Nonetheless, I hope that later today I will be able to send you a much better letter than this one. Perhaps I will feel better and will be able to go out and do something with myself. I definitely hope so.

Always yours,
N 

My Love,

Today I more than literally spent the whole day with C. It was kind of really nice. I’m actually writing this next to him right now. I think we’re doing okay. And I’m doing okay myself. I’m not depressed or anything; I’m pretty positive on most counts. I’m just enjoying my time off.

And yet at the same time I feel a bit guilty about all this like I’m not supposed to be feeling okay with taking a break? I’m such a workaholic usually that this is really weird for me. But I am cool. For now, at least. I can do just fine.

I’m hesitant to write all that much because C is right here and can see my screen, so I am going to keep it short. Especially since he already asked why my screen was so dark (to keep him from getting a clear look at the letter I am writing). And also, we are getting in an argument over who actually likes this Irish pop group unironically so I’m just going to back away from this here.

Always yours,
N 

My Love,

This letter is coming to you from the bath. Unusual, I know, but I have my computer in the room, so why not? I just wanted some music while I was relaxing and I have felt the need to talk to you. It’s not like I haven’t written to you at weirder times before.

I am kind of sick of people asking me how living in the apartment is. Especially since I have reasonably low expectations for my quality of life so I am satisfied by pretty much anything. I don’t understand what would change if I weren’t satisfied, either. I’m stuck here for better or worse. I have a lease. I’m an adult. I can’t just move back home if the toilet paper isn’t running the right way.

I don’t get why people think they have to coddle me. I am handling myself. I may have cried the first night, but I am doing pretty damn fine now. (Other than the fact that I have no job.) People always underestimate the young ones, my love. In time they will take me seriously. I guess I have to suck it up until then.

Always yours,
N 

My Love,

If you are wondering why I am writing to you in a semi-asleep state and at 1:12 (as of this moment) in the morning, I can answer you with one statement: I took a nap on C’s lap as I showed him some vlogs I was into. Which might seem weird and vaguely sexual for some people, but for me.. well, it makes me feel safe. And both C and I are not sexual people.

It’s weird that people associate physical contact with rubbing genitals together, because really, that’s not what it’s about. It’s about knowing that there is a living, breathing, real being- and associated consciousness -that cares about you. That’s what I enjoy most about these things. And I have felt close enough to my roommates that I am willing to start bending rules that I usually have for composure and proper behavior in order to have a closer and more fulfilling relationship with them.

I’m also a bit embarrassed to say this, but I enjoy laying next to people. It feels like they are protecting me and keeping me from harm. Which feeds into my occasional submissive tendencies. I have no idea what to do with these sorts of feelings and wants, but I can’t deal with everything at the same time. It’s just too much, especially when I am still a bit fuzzy and not-clear-headed from platonic cuddling/small naptime. I should go back to sleep. In my bed this time.

Always yours,
N 

My Love,

You would think that one hundred and twenty-six days into this thing I would know what I’m doing, but I really don’t. I’m still just silly old N making things up and throwing words down and hoping it works out well. But why should I expect myself to change in such a short time? Should I be writing eloquent and emotional and deep messages daily just because I have been forcing myself to write? I don’t think that’s fair.

But still, the longer I go on with this the more I feel like it is becoming a part of my daily life. Like if I were to not tell you something then I would start to feel like there was no way to express exactly what was going on in my head. Not that I really express everything that happens to me here, but I do whatever I feel is the right thing to tell you at the current time.

It’s funny I am thinking of this because as I’ve mentioned before, this is my way of talking to an “imaginary” you. You thought that what I meant by that was just sending you offline messages that you would eventually see. No, not at all, my love. I’ve been sending actual letters to you. I’ve been talking to the you that is in my head. The you-in-my-head has been my company for the time when you have been gone. While not as good as the real article, that’s what’s been going down. At least I can say that I am honest about all this? That’s the important part, I guess.

Always yours,
N 

My Love, 

There are some things that I hesitate to admit to. Some things are just really personal, like my relationship with my father or my so-called love life (it’s complicated, and you know as well as I), and some are… unknowns.

I’m afraid of the dark. Still afraid of the dark. I don’t understand why, even. I’m an adult, why should it bother me so? And it’s not like if the lights go out I will scream or anything; I’m not a child. It’s just that when things are completely dark I can feel my baser instincts kick in. My heart starts to race and my anxiety level heightens… everything is magnified.

I honestly don’t know what to say about this, and I wouldn’t really ask anyone about it or anything. It’s just a thing that I am aware of in my life. It’s not even relevant most of the time. I was just reminded of it tonight when I was going upstairs after my roommate left the house. There isn’t really much of a way to turn off the downstairs lights from upstairs, so I just grabbed my stuff and ran for it. I knew there was nothing there. I was home and completely safe. And yet I still had flashbacks to childhood, just running up the stairs from the basement because of an imagined monster (that I realized was completely imaginary). I suppose I can’t really explain these things, can I? Not without asking someone who might know a bit more about these things. But since it’s really not a common thing….

Always yours,
N 

My Love,

I’m kind of satisfied with today. Actually, truly so. I’m not stressing over my lack of a job right now; I’m just living my own life and staying pretty cool-headed. I’m accepting what is coming as it comes and things are okay. This is what I tell myself and this is what is happening.

Anyway, as for what was going on today: I hung out with C for most of the day. He, as I have mentioned before, occasionally has problems interacting with people ad himself but I kind of felt that it would be right if I kept him a bit of company even if it was awkward sitting around on computers together. We ended up watching the Eurovision semifinals together and laughing over that for a long time. By the tie that ended I started making dinner and he started making his and we ate together in the kitchen while watching some of my favorite vlogs since he was interested in getting into that. And then after dinner we went back to the couch and watched a quite ridiculous Nic Cage movie, Con Air. And proceeded to laugh.

I like my roommates. I think living here is quite healthy for me. I kind of feel like I don’t even need my therapist anymore. I should tell her that. That would be a good thing to do.

Always yours,
N 

My Love,

So today I kind of admitted that I had problems with my father. I didn’t get into specifics. J asked me because I was being obviously uncomfortable with our joking about T being my pseudo-father because he is old enough to feasibly be so. It’s kind of hard coming out of the I-don’t-really-talk-to-my-parents closet, especially to someone as close to their parents as J is. I kind of understand how C feels when he has to talk about how he has no parents. Although I have the incredible luck to know that my father is out there in the world being as big a douchebag to other people as he was to me.

That’s really where my problems came from. I can trace them all back to my parents and how they raised me. Not to say that I would rather be a different person, no, but I know how I became who I am. It all makes sense.

And I’d really rather not go on about this here or get into specifics. I don’t think it will ever not be a painful or uncomfortable thing for me to talk about. It’s just too big of a thing that I want to keep as far away from me as possible. And that’s that.

Always yours,
N